Growing up until the age of five I have some happy memories. At the age of five my parents split up, one minute to me things seemed fine, the next we were being taken away from our dad. The next thing I remember is going into a car with total strangers and driving for hours. I was soon to find out we had moved away with my mothers new boyfriend, how I took this at the time I cant remember. The only thing I can remember is after about two weeks, this stranger hitting me with a leather belt, this soon was a regular occurrence. As time went on things did not get better. From belts to bear hands usually to my bear skin. Growing up I hated this man, I would never bring friends to the house because the times I did he would just shout and make me feel so little. Through my childhood I lived in fear, fear of the next time I would get a beating. How ever much I hated this man I always tried to please him,as far as going out robbing houses and shops with him, he use to tell me if I got caught I was to young for the police to do anything, this still didn't please him, the beatings would still go on. The only happy memories through these years are when he went to prison, I felt I could be me without having to live a lie of trying to be someone else. When he went to prison for the second time I thought my mother would not have him back, but when he got out he came for a visit, and I can remember my mother asking me if I thought she should have him back, thinking that is what she wanted I said yes. For years after I felt guilty for saying yes, the beatings stopped for a little while.

When I was thirteen I turned to drink, yes I now this I common for teenagers, but I drunk to fill that empty, lonely feeling. This was the only other time I would feel happy, again at the time I felt I could be myself. This was one of the ways I got through my teenage years. The other was planning to move in with my dad when I was sixteen, at the time thinking my mother could do nothing to stop me, it give me a goal. This did not happen, three weeks before I was sixteen I was told my dad was dying, we went to see him and three days later he died. At the time it destroyed all my plans, I think that was part of the reason I could not greave. Now I could not see how I would get away, my drinking got worse.

By the time I was eighteen I was turning to drugs as well as drink. This just filled that empty feeling inside. Five months after my eighteenth birthday I met my ex wife, she was married with a son of six months. Within six days of meeting her she left her husband and I moved in. Having that responsibility made me give up the drink and drugs, moving in should have been for love, it wasn't, it was a way of getting away from home, don't think I was ever in love, so I still felt empty inside. To fill this gap I would fill it with the material things, mainly cars which cost me thousands of pounds over the years. Over ten years I must have had thirty cars, each one filling that gap, giving me a short feeling of being filled, until a few weeks later, feeling empty wanting another one.

At twenty five I joined the TA, I always wanted to join the army but never got the opportunity, so this was the next best thing to me. This was the first time in my life I felt wanted, the first time I felt I had friends. Although this still did not fill the emptiness inside, the friendships I made helped me hide it. Two thousand and three we were being called up to fight in Iraq, my call out papers came, I was due to go in July. Before I went my ex wife wanted to renew our wedding vows, I was a bit reluctant about this but she was a Christian, so I agreed to do it. Later on I knew this was the first part of Gods plan for me. Two weeks later I left for Iraq, at first I was with all my friends, then we soon got split put into different squadrons, all of which were total strangers, I felt on my own. This left me feeling lonely, the emptiness creeping in. The one thing that would have helped would been to have heard from home, from your wife, kids or parents, I only had two letters. I would write home every day in the hope of getting a reply. Over the few weeks I was there I was more frightened of the loneliness and emptiness than the war going on around me. There was a war going on inside me, this time I could not fill it with drink, drugs or any material things, I was on my own and soon got sent back home suffering with depression. Soon as I got back I was sent to see a shrink, he felt the best thing was for me to be back home with my wife and children. On my way home I knew I needed something else to fill the emptiness inside, I decided I was going to go to church on Sunday, I had come to such a low point in my life I knew I needed to fill that empty feeling. Friday I arrived home told my ex wife I was going to church with her on Sunday. Yes I did go, and stood there shaking all the way through the service, but knowing this was the right place to be, after a few weeks of going, I finally give my life to God, soon as I did all the years of feeling empty, that had mentally hardened me, just fell away, I never smile I find it hard but this night I had the biggest grin on my face it hurt, but I felt so fulfilled.

God has now got a plan for my life,I keep getting parts of his plan, he still has a lot of work to do on me. For the past one and half years I have been in an argument with God he is working on my biggest fears,and I won't give in, I know I will as I love God with all my heart, but I think he is taking me to an even lower point in my life, so he will be the only place I can turn to be free.